Shut Down
by Enthusiastic Fish
Summary: Oneshot tag to the episode Probie. Written for the NFA Nepal charity auction.


**A/N:** Another ficlet for the NFA Nepal auction. This one is a tag to the third season episode _Probie_. It was inspired by the song "Private Parts" by Halestorm. The song is more of a romantic view, but the sentiments worked well for what I was thinking in this story.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own NCIS or its characters. The recognizable dialogue is the property of the NCIS franchise. I am not making any money from this story.

* * *

 **Shut Down  
** by Enthusiastic Fish

" _I let you down."_

Tim could hear Gibbs saying that over and over, but at the same time, only a few hours later, Tim really had let Gibbs down.

" _You ever hesitate because you second-guessed yourself again, I'll take your badge! Are we clear?"_

He walked back into Abby's lab, knowing that she'd be gone by now, and brought up her test results on the bullets.

Too damaged to ever know.

He would never know whether or not he'd killed Benedict. He sighed as he stared. It just seemed so...wrong. How could he not be able to know. It mattered. Abby didn't think it did, but it did.

Tony said that he would forget it in a week. He'd never forget this. How could he when he might have killed someone? Not just any someone, but a fellow cop. But everyone told him that he should just get over it. It wasn't like he could reveal this problem. He'd just have to suck it up and ignore it.

He found that he didn't want to leave. What was there waiting for him but more uncertainty? The day had started with Gibbs showing complete support and it had ended with Tim completely screwing that up. Gibbs could have been killed because of Tim's own incompetence. He walked over and sat down on the floor, then, leaned his head back against the fridge. He sat where he was for a long time.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs looked at Tim. He was currently staring at his computer screen. He hadn't said anything about the Benedict case. In fact, he seemed to have moved on.

And, quite frankly, Gibbs was surprised by that. Tim had been very upset by what had happened. He wasn't an experienced agent yet. He _should_ be upset at having been involved in a friendly fire incident.

But he didn't seem to be.

Then, Gibbs paid a little more attention. Tim hadn't moved in a while. Was he actually working?

After ten minues of covert surveillance, Gibbs came to the conclusion that Tim wasn't doing anything. He was just staring.

At the end of the day, Tony and Ziva tried to get Tim to go out with them, but Tim said no. Gibbs was watching him. Everyone had moved on from the case. No one was talking about it.

But his gut was telling him it wasn't that simple.

After a few minutes, Tim got up to leave.

"McGee."

Tim stopped and looked at him.

"Yeah, Boss?"

Gibbs raised an eyebrow, but for the first time, he didn't feel like he could read Tim at all. That was saying something considering how much Tim usually broadcast how he was feeling.

"Did I forget something, Boss?" Tim asked, suddenly looking worried. He turned back to his desk, obviously trying to figure out what he might have done wrong.

It went against Gibbs' grain to actually ask questions, but at this point, they were pretty much alone in the bullpen, and he really wanted to know if his gut was right.

"No. How are you doing?"

Tim whirled back to look at him in surprise, maybe even shock. Gibbs understood the feeling. He knew he didn't express concern much, if ever to his agents.

"I-I-I'm fine...Boss. Why wouldn't I be?" he asked.

"Benedict?"

Tim's eyes flicked away from him.

"It's over. Just like Tony said. Just a memory, now."

"Really?"

Tim took a deep breath and looked at him.

"Yes. Really." He nodded firmly to emphasize his statement. Then, he got his stuff and headed out.

Gibbs smiled a little. He supposed he couldn't blame Tim for not wanting to talk about it. No one talked about sadness, pain or grief in this place. They had their own ways of dealing with problems and they didn't generally involve admitting that they existed.

Still, he was more sure than ever that Tim was struggling with shooting Benedict. So he hurried down to catch Tim before he left.

"McGee!" he called, seeing Tim heading along the road to the exit.

Tim stopped and turned around.

"You're lying," Gibbs said, bluntly.

"Am I? About what?"

"You're not over the Benedict case."

There was a flicker of something in Tim's eyes, but Gibbs couldn't figure out what it was.

"What do you want me to say, Boss?" Tim asked.

"The truth."

"You don't really want that."

"Yes, I do. No judgment. Nothing in your file. But you're one of my agents."

"Fine," Tim said, but he sounded upset, not relieved. "Yes, I'm bothered by shooting Benedict, but that's not the worst part."

"What is?"

"That you don't realize what the worst part is," Tim said, sounding almost angry. "That's the problem, Boss."

He took another deep breath and started to leave.

"Tell me, McGee," Gibbs said.

Tim didn't turn around again.

"That you can look at me and not realize what was the hardest thing for me. You said you let me down because you didn't go to Metro, but that wasn't the worst part. I had to be alone at Metro. They wouldn't have let you be in the room. You couldn't have changed what happen then. What you could have changed was..." Tim turned around. "If you're going to fire me, I wish you'd just do it. I don't need threats, Boss."

Gibbs raised his eyebrow again. Tim came very close to rolling his eyes, but then, he quoted Gibbs' own words back at him.

"You ever hesitate because you second-guessed yourself again, I'll take your badge," Tim said. "That's what you said. I know I screwed up, Boss. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. What else am I going to do wrong? How many people will get killed the next time I mess up? Two men were killed, a criminal escaped to Morocco and you almost died because I froze, because I couldn't do it. Everyone thinks it's over. It's not. Not for me, but it's supposed to be. So I'll let it be. I just don't know how I can."

"You don't have to," Gibbs said.

"Yes, I do! That's what being an agent is about! Bad things happen and you let them go. I don't how to do that. The only person allowed to have feelings and express them is Abby and she can do whatever she wants. Everyone else is just supposed to deal with it and never talk about it. That's you, that's Tony, that's Ziva. It's supposed to me, but it's not...but if I'm the only one having an issue with it, then, it's not like I can talk to anyone about it. So I'll get over it. I'll deal with it. ...but, please, Boss, if you're going to fire me, then, do it."

"Nothing you did was worth being fired over."

"You said it was."

And he had. Gibbs remembered what he'd said. He'd been upset and, honestly, a little scared, and he'd taken it out on Tim. And really, Gibbs could acknowledge that he'd made a mistake in bringing him along. He should have taken Tony or Ziva. Tim wasn't ready after what had happened.

"You're right. I did, but I was wrong."

Tim's eyebrows went way up and his eyes widened. Gibbs was a little embarrassed that admitting to being wrong was so rare it elicited this kind of reaction (although he'd never admit it).

"I don't always do things right, McGee. I make mistakes like everyone. That was a mistake. Taking you along was a mistake when you were having trouble. And if you need help with something, you can come to me, McGee. To me, not to NCIS. To me."

There was some skepticism in Tim's expression, and Gibbs could understand that. Still, the offer had been made and he really did mean it. For now, this was probably as far as they could go.

"You're an asset to the team, McGee. I don't want to fire you."

Tim looked down and then back up.

"Thanks, Boss."

Then, he left. Gibbs watched Tim walk away, feeling some regret that things _were_ set up in a way that didn't allow for admission of difficulties. However, he also knew that he himself was part of the problem.

But this was a start, and he could only hope that Tim understood that the offer was sincere.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim considered what Gibbs had said. Talk to him? Go to him with problems? That seemed impossible...almost as impossible as Gibbs saying he'd been wrong about something. And yet, he'd said it.

Still, Tim couldn't imagine himself going to Gibbs for help for anything but something work-related, and maybe not even then.

On the other hand, it _was_ nice to know that Gibbs did want him around.

Maybe that would be enough to get him through this next little while.

Finally, he got on the bus and headed home.

FINIS!


End file.
